Idiots everywhere were taken in over the weekend by the irresistible story of a Navy petty officer who was too drunk to turn off the anti-DUI system on his car, so he grabbed a raccoon from a nearby park and squeezed some of its tiny, feral breath into the breathalyzer. The car started, according to the incident report, and the raccoon, rendered unconscious by the Navy man’s grip, lay on the vehicle’s floor. Of course the raccoon woke up, and of course it attacked the drunken driver, causing him to careen into a fence and end up in an in-ground swimming pool.