This week, social media users staged a collective shit-fit after "satire" site National Report published an article titled "Facebook To Begin Charging Users $2.99/mo Starting November 1st." According to the story, the only way to escape the subscription fee was to post a status update bearing the hashtag #FacebookMonthlyFee, an instruction dozens of people immediately (and irately) followed.
Among bearded extremists, the mantra "convert or die" has recently experienced something of a renaissance, proving equally popular among fans of the Duck and Rashidun dynasties. So Christian evangelists were understandably excited this week when news came out that the brother of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had supposedly chosen the cross over the sword.
Last week, the Internet's right-wing rejoiced after a report came out titled "Obama To Resign January 1st Amid New Benghazi Revelations." According to the article, reporters at Fox News successfully negotiated for the president's departure, having obtained a video proving he "intentionally ordered key security personnel to leave" before the 2012 Benghazi attack.
While much of the world was celebrating the life of the late Joan Rivers last week, people in a parallel, notably stupider universe mourned the death of the very much alive Betty White. It was all thanks to an article about hair treatments from self-described satirists Empire News, titled "Actress Betty White, 92, Dyes Peacefully In Her Los Angeles Home."
Kids these days, right? When the punks aren't selfie-ing their Kardashians on Facebook, they're trying to put honest street dealers out of business by buying their dope online. So when National Report published the article "Facebook Drug Task Force To Begin Monitoring All Messages October 1st" on Monday, Generation "High" (as in on drugs) was understandably shaken.
Last weekend, former NASCAR champion Tony Stewart struck and killed another driver during a horrific sprint car crash, making much of the racer's future uncertain. For many, however, the only question was whether Stewart would continue to compete, which was seemingly answered Thursday when Empire News reported "Tony Stewart to Announce Retirement."
For a celebrity, one of the greatest rites of passage is one's first viral death hoax. On Thursday, musician Pete Wentz finally reached this milestone, transforming before our very eyes from a Fall Out Boy into a Fall Out Man.
Would you like to see an example of satire? Here is an example of satire: "ExxonMobil, Chevron Locked In Bidding War To Acquire Lucrative Pennsylvania Senator." Would like to see an example of garbage, bad faith "satire"? Here is an example of garbage, bad faith "satire": "Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name 'Michael,' The Reason Why Will Shock You."
On Monday, totally fake and not real "satire" news site National Report published an article claiming they had obtained a leaked script of the upcoming Superman Vs. Batman [sic]: Dawn Of Justice, one that portrayed the Dark Knight as "an out-and-proud homosexual." Naturally, Internet bigots treated the report with their typical level of caution and skepticism, going completely bat-shit over the bat-rumors.
With over 80 people shot, the Fourth of July weekend was Chicago's bloodiest of the year, prompting some to suggest the National Guard be called in to patrol the troubled city. On Monday, "satire" site The News Nerd did them one better, publishing an article claiming military forces had already been deployed to the city now "considered a war zone."
